You don’t know what your life is going to look like when you are in the middle of it. You know the saying “Don’t quit five minutes before the miracle”. I was thinking about what that even means. I couldn’t have possible known ten years ago that what I was struggling with would somehow put me where I am now. Or that even 11 months ago, the hardest time of being a mama: sleep deprived, worried and just worn thin thinking I didn’t know how to face another night and not knowing how to do anything differently; would lead me to a now and a way to be of service to other exhausted, beat down mama’s that are too hard on ourselves and trying so hard to keep our little ones safe and well. That hard stuff also brought me here. So did the good stuff. And there is a lot of good stuff.
But what if there isn’t a miracle even after you don’t quit five minutes before? Your mom still dies, your partner still leaves you, you don’t get the job, you are perpetually poor, you feel lonely…if you don’t quit right before the miracle it doesn’t actually mean your dreams will come true. The promise isn’t even that you will feel better. Maybe the promise is that you are still here. That you didn’t abandon yourself. That you stayed on your side even when shit was rough and hard and sad. Maybe staying completely connected to ourselves when we are going through hard times is the miracle. Feeling the scared and then staying in our corner. I have heard that a spiritual experience is having a complete connection to self. I think I can handle that kind of spirit. Not cutting off the parts of me that don’t feel like they are where they should be. Just being with them, with me. I sometimes lie to myself and say that if someone really knew me; if they really knew me deep down, they wouldn’t stay. I think it’s a lie. I want to act the opposite. But even if it’s true, I’m not going quit five minutes before the miracle. The miracle is me.
The miracle is you, too.