They were afraid of the world so they hid in a gender that didn’t match them but they thought protected them.  They were bulimic and it was hard to know when they were doing okay or not. Their IQ was so high that some organization made them join some sort of club at a very young age and took them from their small town to meet others that were as intelligent as them. They remembered the person they met was old and lonely.  They were an artist. They were a sensitive and special soul. I thought I could love them enough so they would be okay. I couldn’t.  But they actually are okay.  It just took them believing it, not someone else.  When we broke up we took a month off without talking and met to re-evaluate. I already knew I wasn’t coming back. I think they knew they were happier too.  2005-2006



she was my first crush on the internet. It was on myspace and we promised to meet one night at the bluffs. We never made it to the bluffs, but we did finally have a date. I met her at her house. She seemed like a grown up (she owned her home! I was still living with 5 other roommates in a crappy rental made for 2). I was so nervous! I talked too fast and couldn’t get a connect..I couldn’t quiet my brain enough to actually get to know her. I had built it up too much in my mind. After we played pool at a local bar, we said our good byes. I loved the idea of it. She had chickens and a dog. I could picture this nice, domesticated life with her when mine felt so messy. But I think she knew I wasn’t where she was and honestly I am not sure that I thought I deserved a “normal” life at that time.  Now I know, I did deserve it.  Year: 2006


lived in his car.  Year: 1995


She had an almost expired visa from Germany. She hated her birthday and had never had a party. On Halloween, we made a cake and she blew out the candles. It was the year of the 11 day ice storm. I had a dog walking job and we would walk there every day slipping and falling, barely making it up the stairs to take this dog out while his human was out of town.  One day we spent the whole day talking in german (mine was very choppy, high school german.) We would play basketball under the lights in the park and graffiti-ed with sidewalk chalk “queens of the court” and “girls play ball” all over. We made comics and read a few pages of the first Harry Potter in German every night before bed.  I write “her” and not out of disrespect of their current gender identity, but to tell the the story of our crush. He is now living in Finland, making furniture and rap songs.  Year:  2001


That same summer of flings. He was in town visiting a cousin.  We met at a game night, playing Apples to Apples on the same team. We made silk screen shirts the next day and played pool that night. I brought him home. He was trying to make sense of a relationship that had just ended. I was trying my hand at casual. On Monday he drove back home to LA. We had planned on a goodbye brunch Monday morning but it didn’t happen. I remember I felt sad. Year: 2006


The spring/summer of flings.  I had just had a really hard, long relationship where everything was a trigger and we could never get it right.  In January, we broke up and then spring was upon me.  I decided to try some flings. I had not been casual in the 6 years since quitting drinking and I wanted to see what it was like to be honest with people that I wasn’t looking for anything serious and to see how it felt for me. Evan kicked it off. He was working at the coffee shop. He was leaving town in a month. I asked when he got off.  One month sounded perfect.  We drove around and argued. We housesat for his parents out in the country. We got a house on the beach and pretended we were happy.  When the month ended we said goodbye.   Year: 2006


I was visiting my small rural home town. Rumor was she was a lesbian. I saw her at a bar and went over to talk. She worked at a movie theatre and told me to meet her there at midnight. We watched Matilda on the screen, the two of us alone. I slept over at her house and told her of my travel plans to hop trains to NYC. She asked me to convince her to go, said she was scared but wanted to live. I didn’t convince her. We wrote letters back and forth for months. I felt as if she was the one. When I went home again, she was with someone else. I couldn’t let it go. I stopped by her work (she worked at a record store). She took a sharpie and wrote, “Don’t hate my way” on my arm. She sent me a tape with Throwing Muses on it. I listened to it again and again to try to make meaning out of her song choices. Every time I went back to my parents I looked for her, but she was done. She had moved on. It took me some time to realize that she wasn’t afraid to try, it was that I was not her “one”.  Year: 1996


He was everyone’s favorite crush. He worked his way through all the kids in town. We had a date to ride our bikes to the bluffs and drink 40’s. We talked about wanting to have out of body experiences and the astral plane. Promised to meet that night at midnight on the astral plane. Sweet make outs and then he was on to the next kid.  Year: 1997


11 days. He matched everything on my ideals list. We lay out on his roof and looked at stars and told stories of our past. His mom read my tarot cards and told me that I would run. I thought I wanted something else (a political activist soon to be political prisoner) and I kissed him on the cheek, left his house and went to a party where the aforementioned political activist was… Later, I regretted it and tried to get him back. It was not to be. I literally used the phrase, “Don’t touch me it burns” when he touched my arm and told me that he wouldn’t date me again. I forever called him the one that got away. year: 2001


I had been watching Queer as folk back to back when I walked into the coffee shop and saw her writing in her journal and listening to headphones. What was she listening to that was so much better than the music that was playing from the speakers? Queer as Folk made me braver than I normally was…After I left, I called the coffee shop, described her and asked for the barista to put her on the phone. We set a hangout for the next day. She was a social worker, I was a waitress. We loved to go dancing. We would go to gay skate. She made me a mixtape and got me a tape player with headphones. She had 3 cats and I had allergies. The first night I tried to stay all night, my eyes puffed up, my asthma was out of control and then I knew it would never work. She later married another girl and they had a baby. year: 2005